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Coping with Stress When You Can't Avoid It

Tactics you can use right now

Everyone experiences various levels of stress whether at home or at work. Sometimes it seems like each new day brings on more and more. Unfortunately, stress seems to be an unavoidable consequence of the human condition. At least that's how Dr. Paul Rosch, President of the American Institute of Stress and Clinical Professor of Medicine and Psychiatry at New York Medical College refers to it.

Some stressful situations can be managed by avoiding or altering them. Others cannot. You can avoid the stress of looking at your kids' messy room by keeping the door closed. You can miss construction areas or pot holes that "swallow" cars by altering the route you take to work. But other stressors (e.g., having financial worries, a tyrannical boss or being a single parent) can't be avoided and are not easily altered.

In dealing with stress that you can't avoid or alter, often the best approach is to accept it. This does not mean rolling over and giving up. Rather, it involves changing the way you think about stressful situations, which in turn may reduce the stress that you feel.

A key thing to remember is that the stressful situation you are dealing with may not be the real problem. It could be how you perceive it. Dr. Rosch likens this to a roller coaster ride: "This is a terrifying experience for some, but an exhilarating thrill for others. Stress differs for each of us. However, the feeling of not having any control is always distressful. This is often a matter of perception that you can learn to change."

Here are 4 ways to change your perceptions about the stresses in your life:

Talk to people. Discuss your situation with trusted friends or relatives. There may be something in their experience that can help you see things differently and therefore manage them better.
Go with the flow. Try not to get upset or angry during a stressful situation. It raises your stress level and may make things worse. Use your "self talk" (the running commentary in your head that determines how you react to a particular event) to help keep yourself calm.
Look for the upside. If you can find something good coming from stressful situations, you may be able to change how you feel.
Watch what you say. Words have power. You can increase your level of stress with the words you use, like describing being fired as "catastrophic" rather than "unfortunate", "difficult" or "burdensome". Psychologists have coined a word—"awfulizing"—to describe the process of reacting to everything as if it were the worst thing that could possibly happen.

Here are 6 techniques you can use to relieve stress:

Check for signs of physical tension (i.e. clenched jaw, teeth grinding, hunched shoulders) and take steps to relax, do some stretching, slow down, even just smile.
Make a list of stressors. Dr. Rosch advises separating these into 2 columns: things you can do something about, and things you can't. "Concentrate on the 'can-do' list. Otherwise, you will be constantly frustrated and waste your time trying to change things you can't possibly control."
Get some exercise. Aerobic exercise is an excellent way to reduce stress.
Find time to be alone. Take a few minutes by yourself to take stock and unwind, or just sit and be quiet. A bit of quiet time—15-20 minutes a day—gives your body and mind a nice rest. If you think you're too busy to take a few minutes for yourself, try scheduling your quiet time.
Inoculate yourself against stress. Use your favorite technique to relax deeply and imagine the anticipated situation while you're in a relaxed state. Another inoculation technique is to think of the worst thing that could happen and then have it not come to pass. Try either or both techniques if you're facing a situation you think will be stressful.
Divert yourself. Get your mind off what's bothering you by taking a few minutes to do something you enjoy (e.g., a crossword puzzle, listening to a favorite tape). Diversionary tactics can help you relax.

In the final analysis, when you've done everything you can and the stress doesn't go away, the key to coping with it is acceptance. Or as Dr. Rosch puts it: "If you can't fight and you can't flee, you have to learn to flow."

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