Home > Headache Center > Headache Resources > Library > Articles > Family-Related Stress

Print this page

Family-Related Stress

What you need to know to substantially reduce it

Families can be a major but often overlooked, source of stress. Usually the word stress conjures up images of frantic work situations, much too much to do in too little time and all the other hurly-burly of modern life. Home is supposed to be a haven from the worldly rat race, but often it's not. Although your family can be invaluable for helping you cope with stress, there are certain aspects of family life that can generate stress.

Studies have shown that stress is the most commonly reported trigger of a headache attack and a major contributor to sleep difficulties. The effects of stress are well documented. In fact, stress-related symptoms and illnesses are estimated to account for 75%-90% of all visits to primary-care physicians. So, if you're looking for ways to manage your stress, you can start in your own backyard!

Key sources of family stress include conflicts with spouses, parenting responsibilities, financial worries and over-scheduled calendars. Family stress tends to intensify at points of change. According to Dr. William Kenny, Director of the Psychiatric Treatment Center at Greenwich (CT) Hospital, these typically include changes of job or location, events such as births and deaths, illness, and the problems that can occur as children change and grow. How people adapt to change, Dr. Kenny notes, makes a difference in their stress levels and that of their families.

Here are 4 vital skills that can help you reduce stress in your family:

• Communication. Communicating well is critically important to creating family cohesiveness. These pointers can lead to effective communication between family members:

  • Listen... with empathy. Listening is one of the most effective communication skills you can learn, but listening with empathy does it one better. As you listen, try to understand the feelings behind the other person's words. When you respond, you can do so in a way that recognizes those feelings, which makes the other person feel heard and therefore keeps the discussion on track.

  • Make sure you understand. Occasionally restate what you hear the other person saying. This not only clarifies your understanding and insures you're hearing accurately, but also provides the other person with a chance to correct your take-away of his or her words.

  • Use "I" Statements. Making statements like "You're wrong" or "You always" or "You never" immediately puts the other person on the defensive and stops any meaningful communication before it can begin. Instead, try describing the problem from your perspective, as in "I don't agree" or "I feel hurt when" Now the other person is able to listen to you and respond without feeling attacked.

  • Don't send mixed messages. Don't say one thing and actually mean another. And, make sure that what you are saying is in sync with how you are saying it. Loudly shouting "I'm not angry" with a frown on your face is not very convincing.

• Conflict Resolution. Every family has quarrels. When this happens, family stress levels intensify. The techniques on the next page can help you resolve family conflicts more effectively.

  • Cool down beforehand. Everyone involved needs to get their emotions under control before getting into a discussion. Otherwise the result will be a full-blown argument. So, postpone the discussion if necessary until another time when cooler heads can prevail.

  • Isolate the problem and stick to that issue only. Make sure everyone gets a chance to identify how they see it. But don't let the conversation wander, and whatever you do, don't complicate things by dredging up old gripes.

  • Work to identify solutions. Asking everyone involved to offer up ideas for solving the problem is a sure way to get them working towards a resolution. Your goal should be to come up with as many solutions as possible. Try not to evaluate each idea until all suggestions have been made.

  • Decide on a plan. Having listened to all the proposed solutions, it becomes time to put the best ones into a plan of action. Then make sure everyone agrees to give it a real try. If the plan doesn't work, go back and tinker with it. Make whatever adjustments that are necessary to improve it and keep going.

  • Handle with care. Remember that resolving conflicts is a fragile exercise that exposes family members' vulnerabilities.

• Parenting. Dr. Kenny says the natural changes that children go through create many family stress points. Since no one is born knowing how to parent, these skills must be learned. There are many excellent books on child rearing, such as "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (Avon, 1982; $10.00). Check with your child's school or pediatrician for recommendations.

• Financial Management. Finances can be a major family battleground. One way to circumvent arguments is to make a budget. Keep track of your family's income and expenditures. Discuss how resources should be allocated. This is much less stress-inducing than arguing over every purchase.

If you want to learn more, there are numerous resources at your disposal, including self-help books (see Book Review) and family therapists. There may be even an Employee Assistance Program available at your workplace. Regardless of which resource you choose, it's important to remember that identifying that there is a problem is always the first step in developing a solution.

« Back to Articles Index